there is just something about starting the day with sadness that carries through out the whole day. im not depressed or super sad. just down. i do not want to fee like this. i want to be full of Gods peace and joy. i want joy in my life. Lord please fill me with Your Joy.

as i laid in bed last night; my daughter crashed out next to me and pretty much taking over a queen sized bed with her little body, i looked out and from the depths of my heart said ok Lord im ready to hear You, tell me why You have not healed my marriage. i could hear our puppy restlessly turning in his crate trying to get in just the right position to fall asleep. i watched my daughters night light spin and the fish dance... but nothing, i heard nothing. i fell asleep with a small shrug of disappointment.

this morning as i drove to drop my daughter off sadness over came me. i felt little and unimportant. thoughts of God's great power entered my mind, but not good thoughts. i was stricken with God has the final say. as embarrassed as i am to say i feel hopeless in the fact God could take my child or my life and i would have to just be ok with it, because He has final say and its not about my life but about the bigger picture. i continued on to work and with honesty told the Lord my fear. as i explained it, its not your life came floating in my mind. was that God telling me that? how rude of an answer i thought, or rather how rude can it be misinterpreted. i stopped talking about it and drove the rest of the way to work with sadness. getting to my desk i turned on my computer and started my morning routine. moving things around i realized i left my index cards out that i had written Bible verses on, laying face down i picked them up and turned them over the first card read,
i know o Lord that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. jeremiah 10:23

today my prayer will be to hear the Lord. for Him to speak to me and be felt. for comfort to over come and peace to be in my life. it will be for the Lord to make Himself known to me.

missing three weeks of church is not my favorite thing to do. in fact being away that long tends to lead to some stumbling, or rather falling flat on my face. it felt so great to walk into our sanctuary. a deep breath in... exhaling a release through a smile; a reassurance of my place there over came me and comfort set in. there were four baptisms today and even with the joy of the moment my heart was heavy. during worship the pastor asked if anyone needed prayer to make their way over to the carpeted area. even before the song had fully started i felt a pulling inside of me, almost like i was chasing someone and not being able to reach them even with my arm stretched out as far as it could. but yet my body did not move. i put my foot down. im not sure why but for a while now ive found myself saying no, Lord... you prove yourself to me by [fill in blank] as if the Lord needs to really prove himself to me, but yet i find myself doing that. as i sat there, eyes filling with tears i said to the Lord, please bring someone to me to pray, if you want me to cry out and be prayed for bring it to me. the service finished and no one came to me to pray and a disappointment came over me a sigh of yet again ive been left with out the proof.
my pastor ends a lot of times by saying blessings; after he said it today he made his way over to me and sat down. we looked at each other, there is such comfort to me to just look in his eyes. my pastor has been a complete blessing to me during the last years trials. even when truth is harsh and painful it never seems to hurt as bad coming from his mouth. he has a gentle way; full of compassion and true love. i look up to him as a daughter would a father. after talking a while and shedding a few tears [ok, maybe a lot of tears... i often leave church wondering why i wore make up] he put an arm around me with his hand clutching my shoulder and the other hand gripped my other shoulder. it was a firm hold full of comfort. he closed his eyes and began praying for me. God did send someone to me to pray. someone who knows my heart and knows my trails. someone whos been there for me since the beginning of this season and has never stopped hoping. my God is faithful and does want to prove Himself to me even when He never should have to. in the midst of this storm i do know the truth and do trust in my Jesus. i may stumble or slightly glance at the road the enemy offers, but in the end i do have full trust in Him and where He's leading my life.

passover season.

i had a urge to write. i had a vision of it being beautiful with words flowing out of my fingers. almost a romantic setting with my Jesus. my heart pouring out and Jesus soaking it up and adding His soft caring words. only a few at a time; but packed with great meaning. i have a hard time hearing my God. i long to hear and know. to have faith in knowing it really was my God talking to me. like a father so gently to his little daughter. i have baggage blocking the route?
if i could only hear the words He so wishes to speak to me i would be able to over come and tackle anything. maybe too much hope in that keeps my Father silent? maybe a season of silent is in order. i close my eyes and can imagine Jesus sitting behind me, slightly to the right side with His hands in His lap and his legs crossed at His ankles. His head tilted softly and His eyes filled with a deep love and compassion only a parent knows for their child. He's sitting with me and longs to hold me. but is it not time yet. like glass taken from the fire. i must be shaped first then set in a safe place to cool. must i pour out onto His feet? my heart will not let the words escape; and yet He just sits waiting for me to break.