i'm reading a new book. anne lamott's traveling mercies, some thoughts on faith. (which i got for $1.80 on amazon.com!) my pastor suggested her to me. since receiving the book in the mail yesterday i've put it down to sleep, pee, and do a little work...and now to post this. thankfully my boss is off today leaving me able to read all day! now i've been told a lot of people have a hard time with miss anne. that she's harsh and not a typical right-wing christian; she not the typical christian writer. and that's for darn sure. in the last year my views on things have changed a lot, not with just my physical life but how i see things in the Bible and such. being raised in a baptist church i was taught things like that speaking in tongues was a rush and not real (i wasn't taught there was a difference between prayer language and shouting all crazy like), and ladies shouldn't be pastors, and that you needed to dress nice and present yourself in a well manner at church, that anointing oil was weird, and that i needed to watch how i talked with God. for the longest time i would get myself hung up on matters like these, and i even today i find myself getting alittle too worried by some of these. when i first started attending my church i was freaked out. i literally thought satan was tricking me in being there and that it wasn't a good church. what feed into these thoughts were they anointed people, the laid hands and prayed, they talked about Jesus' love for us, they brought things on a personal level with Jesus, they talked about healing and miracles...like real miracles! i would literally sit in the services with my head down praying for God to really open my heart and let me see if i shouldn't be at this church, i prayed that i wouldn't fall into any traps or wrong teachings. during all this there was so much conflict in my heart. it felt so good to be there, like water in the desert but that had to be satan tricking me because i was not raised this way! turns out that satan was tricking me, he was feeding me the worries and the confusion. he was playing on what i thought God should be he was working with the vain i had over my heart. the church, now this was where God wanted me and being there almost 2 years now i can see there is no denying He wants he there. they are my family. they accept me for all my ugliness and faults. being in this safe place where i feel no judgment i have been able to dig deeper finally letting Jesus into my heart, and truly have a relationship with Him. once gaining that true relationship i realized i had been living with God in a box. i was picking and choosing what the creator of the universe could and couldn't do. what a slap in the face to my Lord! not only was i putting Him in a box i was missing out on His love because i was to caught up in the rights and wrongs and the b/s. does it really matter if God uses a woman to preach His good word? does it change the teaching or lose value? who am i to put Him in a box?! who am i to tell God He can't use a woman to spread His love?so what God is teaching me is, it doesn't really matter...don't get wrapped up in small details that will rob us of the truth and purpose. don't stand ground and fight against others that love and want to serve Him. now i'm not saying you should throw your discernment out the window and go with the flow, you should always check teachings and such with the God breathed Bible. and i know there are crazy people out there leading others astray, i'm not talking about these kinds of things. i'm talking small insignificant things, things that don't take away from truth, things that don't change Jesus' love. things that don't matter!
be open to what God can do. be open to what He is doing that people try to deny. be open, take that lid off the box and let God surprise you!

my heart aches. it aches for my daughter. it aches for my family. it aches for God. its so simple. cant you see?! pour Your love onto him Lord, pour Your love. capture him with Your beauty and compassion. let him feel Your presence. this world has turned ugly. the tricks and lies of the enemy are every where. lead us not into temptation Lord. remove temptation. why must the beauty hurt so bad; so it can taste so sweet. can we just fast forward.

being bold with God. the Lord knows my thoughts, He knows my actions. ive tried hiding my true feelings from Him, but it leads to failure. tonight im looking forward to my quite time; its the time i have between my daughter falling asleep to when i fall asleep. now this time is normally not long but i enjoy it. ive set up a date with Jesus for tonights quite time and im going to be bold with Him. im going to (as i call it) throw up on Him. i use this phrase with my friends because its not just talking its literally cleaning my insides out all over who im talking to. i know He'll love it! He longs to have that kind of interaction with us even when the words are not pretty.
this is apart of my story.

there is something about praise music that really opens my heart to Jesus, enough to break down my walls and bring the tears. tears of pain, tears of sorrow, tears of joy, and tears of thankfulness. is it possible to have so many feelings at one time for one thing? i know the season im in is God lead and so is my hurt. so in the midst of my pain i am thankful. thankful for what the Lord has planned even when i do not fully know what is planed. Jesus has promised me He is my husband, and im learning to live that. its a promise i can count on and take comfort in. and i feel there is another promise behind it. healing. healing of myself and of my family.

when i started this blog, i wanted a name for it, a name with meaning. i picked up the child's Bible I had just bought for my daughter and asked the Lord to name my journal. i then closed my eyes and opened the childs Bible and it landed on the passover story.

ive been reading out of that same childs Bible to my daughter every night before bed. the night of 6/4 we read about moses and passover.

i receive Bible verses through text message daily. yesterdays was the Lord would speak to moses face to face. as a man speaks with his friend. exodus 33:11 this is the second time ive received this verse.

after a much needed nap yesterday i flipped through channels on t.v. i stopped on a program that was teaching about the israelites and moses.

Lord, are you trying to tell me something?

there is just something about starting the day with sadness that carries through out the whole day. im not depressed or super sad. just down. i do not want to fee like this. i want to be full of Gods peace and joy. i want joy in my life. Lord please fill me with Your Joy.

as i laid in bed last night; my daughter crashed out next to me and pretty much taking over a queen sized bed with her little body, i looked out and from the depths of my heart said ok Lord im ready to hear You, tell me why You have not healed my marriage. i could hear our puppy restlessly turning in his crate trying to get in just the right position to fall asleep. i watched my daughters night light spin and the fish dance... but nothing, i heard nothing. i fell asleep with a small shrug of disappointment.

this morning as i drove to drop my daughter off sadness over came me. i felt little and unimportant. thoughts of God's great power entered my mind, but not good thoughts. i was stricken with God has the final say. as embarrassed as i am to say i feel hopeless in the fact God could take my child or my life and i would have to just be ok with it, because He has final say and its not about my life but about the bigger picture. i continued on to work and with honesty told the Lord my fear. as i explained it, its not your life came floating in my mind. was that God telling me that? how rude of an answer i thought, or rather how rude can it be misinterpreted. i stopped talking about it and drove the rest of the way to work with sadness. getting to my desk i turned on my computer and started my morning routine. moving things around i realized i left my index cards out that i had written Bible verses on, laying face down i picked them up and turned them over the first card read,
i know o Lord that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. jeremiah 10:23

today my prayer will be to hear the Lord. for Him to speak to me and be felt. for comfort to over come and peace to be in my life. it will be for the Lord to make Himself known to me.

missing three weeks of church is not my favorite thing to do. in fact being away that long tends to lead to some stumbling, or rather falling flat on my face. it felt so great to walk into our sanctuary. a deep breath in... exhaling a release through a smile; a reassurance of my place there over came me and comfort set in. there were four baptisms today and even with the joy of the moment my heart was heavy. during worship the pastor asked if anyone needed prayer to make their way over to the carpeted area. even before the song had fully started i felt a pulling inside of me, almost like i was chasing someone and not being able to reach them even with my arm stretched out as far as it could. but yet my body did not move. i put my foot down. im not sure why but for a while now ive found myself saying no, Lord... you prove yourself to me by [fill in blank] as if the Lord needs to really prove himself to me, but yet i find myself doing that. as i sat there, eyes filling with tears i said to the Lord, please bring someone to me to pray, if you want me to cry out and be prayed for bring it to me. the service finished and no one came to me to pray and a disappointment came over me a sigh of yet again ive been left with out the proof.
my pastor ends a lot of times by saying blessings; after he said it today he made his way over to me and sat down. we looked at each other, there is such comfort to me to just look in his eyes. my pastor has been a complete blessing to me during the last years trials. even when truth is harsh and painful it never seems to hurt as bad coming from his mouth. he has a gentle way; full of compassion and true love. i look up to him as a daughter would a father. after talking a while and shedding a few tears [ok, maybe a lot of tears... i often leave church wondering why i wore make up] he put an arm around me with his hand clutching my shoulder and the other hand gripped my other shoulder. it was a firm hold full of comfort. he closed his eyes and began praying for me. God did send someone to me to pray. someone who knows my heart and knows my trails. someone whos been there for me since the beginning of this season and has never stopped hoping. my God is faithful and does want to prove Himself to me even when He never should have to. in the midst of this storm i do know the truth and do trust in my Jesus. i may stumble or slightly glance at the road the enemy offers, but in the end i do have full trust in Him and where He's leading my life.